You said what needed to be said.
Not too many have done that.
I intend on holding my promise to you
and I shall be happier.
Why?
Well, like it or not,
I do still care for you
and I always will.
You're a very special woman
who demonstrates strength in situations
I wish not to know.
This is why you're better than me.
This is why you're better than everyone I know.
And I just felt like I needed to say this,
but I couldn't say it to your face tonight.
Rest easy.
Sunday, November 14, 2010
Sunday, November 7, 2010
Thursday, November 4, 2010
you ruined everything in the nicest way
I'd be lying if I said I didn't see this coming. When you mentioned that you were planning on moving, I knew that this was going to follow. I had only hoped that we'd have a last month together before it. Now... I just don't know. Please, bear with me: I need to get this out.
I don't mean anything bad by the title of this either... it means that my plans for a life of solitude have been scrambled (even though that's what I'm going back to) but that doesn't mean I didn't enjoy it. I wish we were in different circumstances... then, maybe, we might have had a real future together, but I know this is only wishful thinking.
I always told myself that I would not get into a relationship, for a number of reasons. First off, I'd actually have to spend enough time with the person to know whether or not it was fully possible. HvZ and the nights spent on Killing Floor were fun, and I look to many more on Team Fortress 2. I went in those math tutorials knowing that it was just a nice thing to do from a friend to a friend, but after that first little session, I really began to fall for you. Coming to my graduation? That made me so incredibly happy. And during SGC, I wanted to burst out confessing my feelings for you, but with Zakk there, obviously I couldn't do anything.
Second off, and you know this, I just never saw myself ever being with anyone. I reminded myself that if I ever found myself with someone, this someone was a person that I could see myself very well learning to enjoy every moment with, be it through the painful for both parties and the good.
Our time together was nice: it made me the happiest man alive, and I thank you for that. I thank you for everything you've done for me, and I hope that you enjoyed everything I've done for you, though it's probably less on my account. This brings me to your presents. I'm giving you my Xbox 360 and all the games that I figured you would like. It's brought me many good times, and I hope that it brings you equally fun times as well. I knew that it was going to be your present ever since you showed enthusiasm about getting one at some point, and I tried to do everything I could to dissuade you from getting one so that I would be able to provide it.
This is the last action and time you'll probably hear from the compassionate side of me. Again, I want to remain friends as well as you do. SGC next year will be fun, and I'll always enjoy playing online with you. I also want to tell you that should you ever find yourself "stabilized" (as you put it) and want to give this another shot, I will keep an open mind. I know this is a delusional thought, but I've always made it my goal to be as honest as possible with you. Just... go lead a good life. It's all that you can do.
I don't mean anything bad by the title of this either... it means that my plans for a life of solitude have been scrambled (even though that's what I'm going back to) but that doesn't mean I didn't enjoy it. I wish we were in different circumstances... then, maybe, we might have had a real future together, but I know this is only wishful thinking.
I always told myself that I would not get into a relationship, for a number of reasons. First off, I'd actually have to spend enough time with the person to know whether or not it was fully possible. HvZ and the nights spent on Killing Floor were fun, and I look to many more on Team Fortress 2. I went in those math tutorials knowing that it was just a nice thing to do from a friend to a friend, but after that first little session, I really began to fall for you. Coming to my graduation? That made me so incredibly happy. And during SGC, I wanted to burst out confessing my feelings for you, but with Zakk there, obviously I couldn't do anything.
Second off, and you know this, I just never saw myself ever being with anyone. I reminded myself that if I ever found myself with someone, this someone was a person that I could see myself very well learning to enjoy every moment with, be it through the painful for both parties and the good.
Our time together was nice: it made me the happiest man alive, and I thank you for that. I thank you for everything you've done for me, and I hope that you enjoyed everything I've done for you, though it's probably less on my account. This brings me to your presents. I'm giving you my Xbox 360 and all the games that I figured you would like. It's brought me many good times, and I hope that it brings you equally fun times as well. I knew that it was going to be your present ever since you showed enthusiasm about getting one at some point, and I tried to do everything I could to dissuade you from getting one so that I would be able to provide it.
This is the last action and time you'll probably hear from the compassionate side of me. Again, I want to remain friends as well as you do. SGC next year will be fun, and I'll always enjoy playing online with you. I also want to tell you that should you ever find yourself "stabilized" (as you put it) and want to give this another shot, I will keep an open mind. I know this is a delusional thought, but I've always made it my goal to be as honest as possible with you. Just... go lead a good life. It's all that you can do.
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Back to Where I Started
"College is different! It's a whole new atmosphere full people that want to be there!"
Yeah, except me.
I thought I was done with the whole idea of public education, but now it's back to pretty much where I was for the past 12 years of my life. The depression is slowly setting back in and things are returning to my "normal".
I tell people I want to be a teacher just so they'll shut the hell up and quit asking me questions. Truth is I don't know where I'm going with my life... and isn't that supposed to be part of the grand adventure of things? Not knowing what's next? If that's the case, I must be Indiana fucking Jones.
My classes suck, to put it bluntly. I completely hate my English class (professor and all) and I don't like getting up pretty early to drive 10 miles for Speech (which I hate as well). These two are separated by a three-hour period of nothing, which is probably the only good thing about Tuesdays and Thursdays. Even then, going to a place I despise for seven hours only (drive time counts as well) for only two classes? Goddammit. Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays are better, but my Algebra class is run by a teacher who reminds me very much of my AP Economics teacher from last year. Did I ever mention that I almost didn't graduate thanks to his class? I guess the only positive class is Microcomputer Applications, mainly because I don't have to do a damn thing... I've already known how to do all of the stuff since I was ten. The only difference is the versions of Office that we use, but it's essentially the same.
College was forced upon me by my mom, whom I've now grown to despise more than any other person in the world (aside from my fucking sister), and my father, whose become more of an asshole to me now that I'm 18. Did I have a choice in the matter at all? No. If it were up to me, I'd have a full-time job by now and making some money to live out of the house. Hell, I'm hoping that this deal where my dad can will his job to me when he retires/dies pulls through (I'd be set then!) but knowing my luck, nothing will happen and I'll be fucked.
I know that the few reading this will say "At least you got into college" to which I respond that it's fucking public college. As Izzie says, you only need to have a heartbeat to get in. No fancy universities for me, not that I would want to go to those places in the first place. And those that say that I'm in a better position than a lot of people... I see them being happy. I'm not.
Anyways, I'm just ranting right now to this litte corner of the Internet. I'm not feeling well, and I probably won't be for a long time. If anyone actually got this far, thank you for reading.
Yeah, except me.
I thought I was done with the whole idea of public education, but now it's back to pretty much where I was for the past 12 years of my life. The depression is slowly setting back in and things are returning to my "normal".
I tell people I want to be a teacher just so they'll shut the hell up and quit asking me questions. Truth is I don't know where I'm going with my life... and isn't that supposed to be part of the grand adventure of things? Not knowing what's next? If that's the case, I must be Indiana fucking Jones.
My classes suck, to put it bluntly. I completely hate my English class (professor and all) and I don't like getting up pretty early to drive 10 miles for Speech (which I hate as well). These two are separated by a three-hour period of nothing, which is probably the only good thing about Tuesdays and Thursdays. Even then, going to a place I despise for seven hours only (drive time counts as well) for only two classes? Goddammit. Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays are better, but my Algebra class is run by a teacher who reminds me very much of my AP Economics teacher from last year. Did I ever mention that I almost didn't graduate thanks to his class? I guess the only positive class is Microcomputer Applications, mainly because I don't have to do a damn thing... I've already known how to do all of the stuff since I was ten. The only difference is the versions of Office that we use, but it's essentially the same.
College was forced upon me by my mom, whom I've now grown to despise more than any other person in the world (aside from my fucking sister), and my father, whose become more of an asshole to me now that I'm 18. Did I have a choice in the matter at all? No. If it were up to me, I'd have a full-time job by now and making some money to live out of the house. Hell, I'm hoping that this deal where my dad can will his job to me when he retires/dies pulls through (I'd be set then!) but knowing my luck, nothing will happen and I'll be fucked.
I know that the few reading this will say "At least you got into college" to which I respond that it's fucking public college. As Izzie says, you only need to have a heartbeat to get in. No fancy universities for me, not that I would want to go to those places in the first place. And those that say that I'm in a better position than a lot of people... I see them being happy. I'm not.
Anyways, I'm just ranting right now to this litte corner of the Internet. I'm not feeling well, and I probably won't be for a long time. If anyone actually got this far, thank you for reading.
Sunday, August 8, 2010
Late Night Thoughts
In this mix of things that have happened within the past two months (with the number of bad outweighing the good) I'd like to say that perhaps the best thing that has ever happened to me occurred in early-to-mid July. I'm only writing this because it seems that I have better composition in text format than in speaking. Forgive me on that.
To be honest, I don't know where to start. It's been the best month of my life every second I'm with you. There are the adventures/misadventures we've had, normal everyday things, and just sometimes taking the time to relax and talk. Because of just about anything, you are the best person I know. Don't feel like that's a bad thing, because I know quite a few people, and, all things considered, you still outrank them all by a lot. Maybe it's because I can be my true self around you, and you seem to like it (from what I can tell); maybe it's because of how you are when we're together. You'll always bring a smile to my face, no matter what my previous mood may have been. If I seem worried, it's because I feel like I might mess something up, and I really don't want to. Seeing as how this is the first relationship I have ever been in, you get to be the captain: I'm just along for the ride, so let me know what I need to do. And what a wonderful ride it's been. As far as my point of view is concerned on this whole thing, I'm glad to say that it just keeps getting better and better. I don't know your exact feelings, but unless you're a great actor, I can take a ballpark guess.
Just some late night things popping into my head before I fall asleep. I know I should be more "direct" with this (such as saying this to you), but I figured you already did one, so... why not?
To be honest, I don't know where to start. It's been the best month of my life every second I'm with you. There are the adventures/misadventures we've had, normal everyday things, and just sometimes taking the time to relax and talk. Because of just about anything, you are the best person I know. Don't feel like that's a bad thing, because I know quite a few people, and, all things considered, you still outrank them all by a lot. Maybe it's because I can be my true self around you, and you seem to like it (from what I can tell); maybe it's because of how you are when we're together. You'll always bring a smile to my face, no matter what my previous mood may have been. If I seem worried, it's because I feel like I might mess something up, and I really don't want to. Seeing as how this is the first relationship I have ever been in, you get to be the captain: I'm just along for the ride, so let me know what I need to do. And what a wonderful ride it's been. As far as my point of view is concerned on this whole thing, I'm glad to say that it just keeps getting better and better. I don't know your exact feelings, but unless you're a great actor, I can take a ballpark guess.
Just some late night things popping into my head before I fall asleep. I know I should be more "direct" with this (such as saying this to you), but I figured you already did one, so... why not?
Sunday, May 9, 2010
I am an angry person.
And I don't mean that I've been playing Mega Man 9 again. No, I'm not raging at anything this exact moment, but I have noticed that I keep a bunch of pent-up anger inside. I... I don't know why. Is it a bad thing? I mean, I like to think that I'm not mean to other people... right? And why do I bring this up? I don't know. Random thought that came to my mind.
Another good thing: I finally got a full one hundred subscribers for my YouTube account (yellowspartan77, for those who don't know). I'm kind of happy from that, and will make a thank-you video for all of my subscribers. So, if you're not subbed to me by now, you can still do it. I mean, I'm making the video for ALL of my subscribers, not the first 100.
Another good thing: I finally got a full one hundred subscribers for my YouTube account (yellowspartan77, for those who don't know). I'm kind of happy from that, and will make a thank-you video for all of my subscribers. So, if you're not subbed to me by now, you can still do it. I mean, I'm making the video for ALL of my subscribers, not the first 100.
Monday, April 5, 2010
Introductions
Good day, there. I suppose for the two/three that may be reading, you're asking "Why do you have one of these now?"
I'm easily affected by peer pressure, I'm afraid.
Either way, most of you already know me. I'm that crazy-ass white kid that sometimes acts crazy. Am I? Yes. We all are crazy. It's like that saying with the no innocence, only varying levels of guilt, but with sanity.
For example, I believe that this reality is one created by my sub-conscious mind. I'm currently in a coma somewhere, in some other universe.
Anyways, this'll just be used for thoughts, ideas, and things going on in my life that are too long to post on FaceBook or YouTube, and too personal for any of my many forums or the Machinimators United page.
Sooooo... yeah.
I'm easily affected by peer pressure, I'm afraid.
Either way, most of you already know me. I'm that crazy-ass white kid that sometimes acts crazy. Am I? Yes. We all are crazy. It's like that saying with the no innocence, only varying levels of guilt, but with sanity.
For example, I believe that this reality is one created by my sub-conscious mind. I'm currently in a coma somewhere, in some other universe.
Anyways, this'll just be used for thoughts, ideas, and things going on in my life that are too long to post on FaceBook or YouTube, and too personal for any of my many forums or the Machinimators United page.
Sooooo... yeah.
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